when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
