We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
