My hair reeks of homosexuality.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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