My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
