eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
