I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
