Need sex. Gaining weight.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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