Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
