mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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