i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize