you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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