i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
