I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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