I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
