I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
