You smell like stripper and shame
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
