; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
