i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
