I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
