youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
