Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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