Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize