the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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