I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
