easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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