Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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