If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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