If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
