I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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