The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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