Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
