You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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