I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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