I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
