My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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