i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
