They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
only you would photoshop your dick
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
