I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
