youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
