Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
