What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
PANTIES FOUND
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
