yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize