Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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