9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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