so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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