Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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