got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
