All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I think I have vodka in my lungs
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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