Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just tell him i said nine months
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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