at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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