He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
