I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
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