I feel like I'm in dance class right now
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
