While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
