So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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