So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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