Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
