Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
