i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
