Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
