I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
