it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
