he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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