I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
