k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
