Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
