eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize